just a guy made of dots and lines (crs) wrote,
just a guy made of dots and lines

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what i may be doing wrong...

I am capable of being creepily passive-agressive at times... I think the way I make my first awkward attempts at closeness inspires girls to have this immediate reaction, sort of "Uh oh, he's approaching me that way. If I don't like him, it's not going to be easy to discourage him"... She thinks to herself "Now, there is an awkward moment in my future, when I will have to tell him in no uncertain terms, that I am not interested; until that time he will not get any hints, he will not back off, and there will always be that simplistic smile, where he doesn't get upset at the slight setbacks I will put in his path to try to hint that it leads to a dead end." I have this way of subconsciously trying to make saying "no" annoying enough that they'll end up saying yes once.

I need new mannerisms. New assertivity. New speech patterns. New power to express myself. 'Cause I'm not going to put anyone through that wringer again, I promise.

Gah, I can't even apologize for this tendency without making it worse. There's always that thought in the back of my head, "Make her like me, make her like me, make her like me." And it colors my perceptions of everything I say, if not hers.

I wonder if this feeling is more paranoia, or if it's insight.

Gah! And so of course I ask my LJ friends so very coyly for absolution. No, not even subtle, looking back on it.

It's one step from going on LJ and saying "Boy, I sure suck, don't I!" And waiting for the comments to pour in. And I'm making it worse step by step. I should just turn this into performance art, it's turning comical. "Oh, no, Chris, you're not being passive-aggressive, look over at foo! That's passive-aggressive, you're just being [paranoid, sensitive, unfair] about the whole thing."

So what's the deal with LJ if every time I complain I'm going to feel like I'm fishing for compliments? Maybe I could turn off comments on my entries. That might make it feel better.

  • (no subject)

    I might start poking my head in over at Dreamwidth. Same name.

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