I need new mannerisms. New assertivity. New speech patterns. New power to express myself. 'Cause I'm not going to put anyone through that wringer again, I promise.
Gah, I can't even apologize for this tendency without making it worse. There's always that thought in the back of my head, "Make her like me, make her like me, make her like me." And it colors my perceptions of everything I say, if not hers.
I wonder if this feeling is more paranoia, or if it's insight.
Gah! And so of course I ask my LJ friends so very coyly for absolution. No, not even subtle, looking back on it.
It's one step from going on LJ and saying "Boy, I sure suck, don't I!" And waiting for the comments to pour in. And I'm making it worse step by step. I should just turn this into performance art, it's turning comical. "Oh, no, Chris, you're not being passive-aggressive, look over at foo! That's passive-aggressive, you're just being [paranoid, sensitive, unfair] about the whole thing."
So what's the deal with LJ if every time I complain I'm going to feel like I'm fishing for compliments? Maybe I could turn off comments on my entries. That might make it feel better.