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tick. tock.

And I'm starting to realize that part of what's going on is that I do have one of those biological clock thingies, and it's going off something fierce. Gah. What's to be done about such a thing? I don't know, but when you start reacting to your parents' attempts to set you up with complete strangers in a town a thousand miles away with less than immediate contempt, you know something's wrong.

I've definitely gotten to the point in my life where I'm evaulating things in a different way, looking at possibilities, trying to get dates, that kind of thing, based on different kinds of compatibilities. Does she like kids? How tied to this city is she? Other places? Blah blah blah, I'm utterly transparent and... shallow, but in a different way.

It doesn't help that I still can't shake the feeling that everything I do has some selfish motive behind it. I would resolve to be more altruistic in the new year, but I think that would just be another ploy. Well, it would feel like it, anyway.

And I really feel like I don't know how to interact with people anymore. Like somehow I got those routines replaced with something that just gives status of my job search. I've got other things going on in my life... I should work on them to make them into something I can talk about in terms other than "I should work on them."

I've been given this blessing (mixed blessing, but blessing nonetheless) of time off to do whatever I want with... and I'm frittering it away. I suppose in some ways, decompressing has been good for whatever job I will end up with, I'll be totally ready to focus and be utterly dedicated... but I can't help but think I could be doing more with this time.

I guess this post is wildly diverging because I haven't been posting enough. I should fix that, too.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
forgotten_aria
Jan. 4th, 2003 08:46 am (UTC)
I think that a certain amount of selfishness is important in life. I've seen too many people try to do the things that they think that other people want them to do, they don't make the other people happy and they don't make themselves happy. I think that as long as you aren't actively making other people unhappy with your selfishness. You aren't taking away opetunituies to make yourself and someone else happy, then it's fine. People have a hard enough time figuing out what makes them happy so giving your happiness up for something that you think will make someone else happy is often not a good thing to do. First job, take care of yourself, make yourself happy and then see what you can do for other people. Life has a whole lot of pain in it and sometimes you have to hurt other people to make sure that a bad situation doesn't get worse. It's not selfish to end something that you know will untimatly make you miserable, even if ending it hurts someone else.

Unless I'm missing examples, you are not the bad kind of selfish, the kind that takes things just to be taken, the kind that won't share for their own gain, the kind that would take more than they need when there are others that need it.

Looking out for your own interests isn't inherently selfish. Guiding your actions by your own interests isn't inherently selfish.

You can't please everyone, you can't make everyone happy.

Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )