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a life... or something like it

Had a great date Friday night, and Saturday afternoon I started having some eerily familiar cold feet feelings. Nothing specific, nothing I could point at and say "there, that's the problem." Great girl, great date, great everything... except me, apparently. Last time this happened, a few years ago, I reacted poorly. This time I'm going to get it right.

I've thought about it a bit and figured out where I'm uncomfortable getting involve with someone. This is a bit of a rewrite of some messages I sent to her, but I figure it belongs here, actually.

I've taken on a responsibility to be a little predictable, at a time when thoughts are flying through my head at lightspeed. Run away, run towards, flirt here, withdraw there... I need to be understandable, careful, consistent. It's hard to be honest about what I'm feeling when I don't even know, don't even understand what's going on between my ears.

We had a conversation on Saturday where I talked about my feelings, and half an hour later I felt like an idiot; why did I say those things? I felt that way at the time, but now I can't even understand what I meant by those words. What's going on? Am I really that hard to nail down? Do I have no clue whatsoever?

I'm dangerous in this state. Part of me wants to run away, part of me says stay for pride, part of me says stay for her sake, part of me says stay for my sake, part of me says stay for the fun. She says "be true to yourself"... If I knew how to do that, it'd be so much easier.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 25th, 2002 11:13 am (UTC)
Could the part that wants to stay for fun take over. That way you could just let things be, see where they take you and not worry about what you want it to be, just what it is. See if you can't build and find the trust, both of her and of yourself, that gets you into the comfortable part of the relationship.

Sometimes it's better to just let the relationship grow into what it is, reveal itself, than to worry it to death.

Even having a bad experience is sometimes better than hiding from any experience. And I bet you that more likely than not, you'll get some wonderful times out of it.
Nov. 25th, 2002 11:13 pm (UTC)
On thinking about feelings...
I'm not a good person to be giving relationship advice right now, so take this with a salt lick.

Considering only your post, I suspect you may be overthinking or underthinking the relationship; I can't tell which. You might not be able to tell which either, and that's ok. I'm not sure the solution to either isn't the same: taking time to understand your feelings and learn to balance how you think about them.

You might try the following exercise to see if it helps: Write down your feelings. Set them aside for a day. Then review them and add notes; don't delete anything. You needn't discuss them or show them to anyone yet. Repeat this process of writing, waiting, reviewing, for at least a week. Feel free to write as often or as little as you want, in whatever form or style you want; be free to change how you're writing as you progress.

Several possibilities may result: You might find that your feelings converge and settle on what you really are feeling; this might happen quickly, slowly, or in disparate steps. You might find that your feelings appear random, an indication that you need more information, either about this person, about yourself, or about surrounding circumstances; you might gather clues as to what information you need. You might find that your feelings oscillate between good and bad; this possibly indicates some sort of problem that needs to be worked out (again about the other, yourself, or your circumstances) and might give clues as to what the problem is. Finally, and least likely, you might find that your feelings diverge, an indication you are putting a lot of energy into the relationship but it is growing and changing too quickly for you to settle your feelings about it; this state will eventually collapse to one of the others as you learn more about the person.

Of course, you might have a complex mixture of feelings, each of which may have a different one of the curvatures above. The process of writing, waiting, and reviewing may help sort them out.

This is just one approach, and you may find it helpful or not. I'm not sure if I'd find it helpful or not, but part of why I started keeping a journal is to find out.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )