just a guy made of dots and lines (crs) wrote,
just a guy made of dots and lines

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a life... or something like it

Had a great date Friday night, and Saturday afternoon I started having some eerily familiar cold feet feelings. Nothing specific, nothing I could point at and say "there, that's the problem." Great girl, great date, great everything... except me, apparently. Last time this happened, a few years ago, I reacted poorly. This time I'm going to get it right.

I've thought about it a bit and figured out where I'm uncomfortable getting involve with someone. This is a bit of a rewrite of some messages I sent to her, but I figure it belongs here, actually.

I've taken on a responsibility to be a little predictable, at a time when thoughts are flying through my head at lightspeed. Run away, run towards, flirt here, withdraw there... I need to be understandable, careful, consistent. It's hard to be honest about what I'm feeling when I don't even know, don't even understand what's going on between my ears.

We had a conversation on Saturday where I talked about my feelings, and half an hour later I felt like an idiot; why did I say those things? I felt that way at the time, but now I can't even understand what I meant by those words. What's going on? Am I really that hard to nail down? Do I have no clue whatsoever?

I'm dangerous in this state. Part of me wants to run away, part of me says stay for pride, part of me says stay for her sake, part of me says stay for my sake, part of me says stay for the fun. She says "be true to yourself"... If I knew how to do that, it'd be so much easier.

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