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lost again

Interesting talks on zephyr tonight... how to summarize? It's 3am and I'm summarizing Proust. Great.

Feeling in between social circles, like I'm diverging from the old one, "outgrowing" them, or something, but not really established in any new circle. It comes from trying to be in all the groups at once, I suppose. And from being totally unable to focus on or keep track of the intricacies of the political discussion even now still happening downstairs.

"Hot crotches are cool."

Morrowind sounds intriguing; branching plot lines might make for a good game.

Had some interesting flirtations with a cool girl who I had categorized quite solidly in the "unavailable" place some time ago, when I was, um, younger. Or something. I don't know if they mean anything, but hey. Cute people are cute, right?

"sometimes i think i run on pure wishful thinking"

Had the talk about not knowing who I am again... I talked about where I would go to meet people, mentioned Manray. Was informed Manray is a bad place to meet people, it's not very social, and besides, they'd all be goths. I said "I guess I could just seek out a bar with the appropriate demographic"... and then the question came "What demographic are you looking to hit (on)?" And I realized I didn't really have an answer besides ... "receptive".

Ick. There it is again. The whole policy of "she's interesting because she shows interest in me"... is wrong. It can't be enough for anything lasting to come out of. Though I guess ... it's fair enough to use as a reason to get to know her better, and see what happens there. That was affirmed a bit there... And really, if I'm obsessing about this enough that it's keeping me from knowing who I really am, finding some release for that... could be good.

Looking forward to cel-shaded games.

God, it's late. I wonder when my parents are calling in the morning. I kinda told them to call early. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should sleep now, to try to make tomorrow ok. Should still be getting six hours at this point.

"If I had more practice being rejected I could try more things, I bet."

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
cthulhia
Sep. 1st, 2002 06:06 am (UTC)
I know a worse one
The whole policy of "she's interesting because she shows interest in me"... is wrong.

I am not alone in seeming to fall for the ones who aren't that interested. "Hey, a challenge!" or something.

Everyone has their own special ways to be a moron about relationships and sex.
coffeekitty
Sep. 1st, 2002 11:21 am (UTC)
what do you mean, "besides, they'd all be goths?"

what's wrong with goths? ne? ne?
crs
Sep. 1st, 2002 02:25 pm (UTC)
well...
It all ties in with the "who the hell am I?" question... I suspect I'm not, um, what a goth is looking for at Manray? And I'm not sure what draws me to the idea of Manray.

It's like... I really feel lost in this area, trying to figure out what it is I'm, um, looking for. It's all part of that conversation last night, really. I realized I have no parameters for looking for possible friend (and maybe SO) material other than "has occasional contact with me without my having to expend too much effort," "seems to like me," and "is fun to hang out with." "Is fun to hang out with," by the way, seems more a function of conversational style than most other things, these days. Do they riff on my straight lines, and provide some for me to play with?

Is that shallow? I'm afraid it might be.

On the other hand... being openminded about these things leaves me friends with an eclectic mix of people. Being closeminded about certain things would make it easier to cruise for new people though. It's hard.

And right now I feel very, very lost in a very, very big world.
yakshaver
Sep. 1st, 2002 04:34 pm (UTC)
Re: well...
No, that's not shallow. "I want a girl with big tits" is shallow. When all's said and done, what could be more important in a relationship than just liking being together? The happiest couple I ever knew were in their 80s, still engaging in witty banter at the dinner table, and still laughing at each-other's jokes after more than fifty years together.
forgotten_aria
Sep. 2nd, 2002 09:38 pm (UTC)
I think that being attracted to someone's attraction to you is healthier. it means you don't angst over what you can't have. As long as you aren't going for anything that makes googlie eyes at you, which you aren't, then it's a fine thing.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )