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the dust settles...

...and all that's left in the early hours of the morning is the loneliness and the realization that I still haven't the first clue how to go about with a relationship.

Back to square, um, 5. I get the message - I should count the positive things I have in my life and be grateful. Thanks.

Right now I'm feeling like I'm too lazy to do the really social things that make new connections possible. I've been fatigued on a social level for so long now, it makes me tired to interact with new people, or to be patient with ... much of anything. I'm such an impatient, hurried person these days. I want it all, and I want it now, and I don't have the energy to drag myself from point A to point B. Please deliver to my front doorstep.

Doesn't help that it's 6am and I can't get back to sleep. That's sure to make me feel doomed to tiredness. It's at times like these that I feel like I'll always be tired, and nothing is going to change that.

I'm getting better at remembering otherwise, though. Possibly thanks to my keeping a journal and just having written things down... Time had been falling past me at a faster and faster rate, falling through my fingers, but by writing things down, I have gotten a little bit of a grip on events and have started to make the speed at which things happen a little more bearable.

And while everything zips by so fast, it still feels so slow and painstaking to do anything... So tiring. That's the fatigue talking again. Definitely time to try to get more sleep before work.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 28th, 2002 04:31 am (UTC)
I sometimes find in myself a tendency to, whenever I am single, say "well clearly I suck at relationships because all my relationships have ended." This is dumb. the measure of the 'success' of a relationship is not whether it lasted until death, but whether you learned something from each other and gave each other joy along the way. Would your life and theirs have been better overall if you had never moved beyond friendship? I can answer no to that for every person I have been involved with.

As for the social inertia thing... give it time, start slow. Yeah, I know, you just said you're impatient :) Well, uh, stop that! Do the things you love and the cute people will appear. And if right now you need to stick to yourself a little more, do that. Though the cute people will appear more slowly, you will be more comfortable with yourself and better able to deal when they do.

or something like that :) (feeling happy with my life lately. want to spread the joy.)
Aug. 28th, 2002 07:13 am (UTC)
What she said
(deleted and reposted with correct html tags, hopefully)

The measure of the 'success' of a relationship is not whether it lasted until death, but whether you learned something from each other and gave each other joy along the way.

I spent a lot of the summer feeling my most recent ex was a mistake, that failing on so many levels with him had destroyed my hopes for satisfying love or sex. (Both are problematic for me.) But, I've reached a point now where he and I are truly friends, and am aware I was relying too much on external solutions for happiness. I also got a lot of support on this level from my serial fling, who I wouldn't have learned how to be *friends* with if I hadn't been off limits when he had the time to hang out. The friendship caused me to fall in Love with him, once I was free to do so. He may never reciprocate that Love, but he does let me use it to come to terms with myself, and responds with what he does feel, tenderness for a friend. I am hoping that between the friend-love that remains with my ex and with my fling, I'll continue to have the tools to survive watching them be In Love with others.

Do the things you love and the cute people will appear.

I was depressed at being around all these sex positive people when I was back being celibate, which even now is my usual state. (It lately feels more like a choice than a punishment.) Going to parties where most of the conversation seemed to be about sex and sex politics/TMI or about how I should get therapy because then I'll have some sex of my own was really demoralizing. I found it hard to come up with cheerful changes of topic. I turned more and more to gaming because it allowed me to focus on something abstract and unrelated to my life. I started a game night. Aside from the ego boost of having people come play the games, I made a lot of new friends (including my ex), I've been invited to run demos at Cons, and measurably increased visibility for the small game company I promote, as a volunteer. (Although the game company and various friends repaid me -- literally -- when they helped replace the contents the gaming backpack I lost last year.)

Being in love helped. Meeting people who have few people they love except for sex partners made me realize how rich I am in friend-love.

You're probably in for a couple months of emotional suckitude, because you're not heartless.
If you're like me, keeping yourself busy (not feeling like you're missing more than you have to just because you're single) is the best way to get through those months.
Aug. 28th, 2002 09:24 am (UTC)
Re: What she said
how I should get therapy because then I'll have some sex of my own

This sounds really obnoxious on their parts...

Aug. 28th, 2002 10:13 am (UTC)
its an issue I have with the sex-positive communities
is that celibacy is not a sane option. If you're not fucking (sometimes, specifically, if you're not fucking Them) then there is something wrong.

I don't know if it is overtly stated, or just strongly implied, by a significant number of any sex-positive or sex-activist (poly-, bi-, bdsm, etc.) circles. I'm not sure someone directly said "not having sex? you need therapy." or if the two topics appeared in the same conversations too often for comfort. But since I was already insecrue about that stuff, it made me more insecure.

I was willing to dismiss it as ALL my insecurity, until I heard more sexually active/ confident types wonder if it was socially acceptable to be asexual. Not sure how to fix that feature. Sex-positive organizations are there for people who need reassurances about their own choices, and that is invariaby going to spill over onto other people's insecurities.
Aug. 28th, 2002 10:22 am (UTC)
Re: its an issue I have with the sex-positive communities
Hmm, in the sex-positive communities I'm familiar with, there're usually people who express such opinions ("there's something with you being celibate"), but I think I'm used to them being smacked down when they seem to be serious...
Aug. 28th, 2002 10:27 am (UTC)
same communities no doubt, and probably the people who are too PC to outright hang themselves. but, it wasn't just *me* reading too much into it. A lot of it boils down to people who weren't cool as kids trying to find a reason to think themselves cooler than others as adults.

I have a lot of opinions on this that I don't have the patience to write down here.
Aug. 28th, 2002 05:34 am (UTC)
Be yourself. Do the things that you like to do. That will bring about the people who you're most likely to like and share interests with.

It's rough -- what always got me through the hard times was volunteer stuff (well, and the whole college thang -- it was really hard to stay unmotivated when I had 50 gazillion things due the next day). Other people liked the work I did and showed appreciation on a regular basis. That felt good, especially when I didn't have a lover to appreciate me.

And that's why I volunteered, because I like that kind of positive reinforcement.

You like to game and read cartoons and watch movies. LSC starts up soon, if they haven't already -- invite cute chicks for dinner and a movie. That's a crs thing to do. Have a gaming party. Maybe you need to have a party. When was the last time you did? Anyway...
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


elan montage
just a guy made of dots and lines

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