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Thinking about that fortune cookie post... It made me realize. I probably don't have much of a reputation for being forward at all. Because I'm not. I'm downright timid. And I'm floating on the edge of friendship with a few different attractive girls, all of whom I can speak my mind to, mostly. I will occasionally mention to them how I've become disturbed recently that all my interactions lately feel like they've got one goal, to try to find a relationship, an SO, some kind of sexy connection thing.

It's a paradoxical admission, isn't it? I'm sitting there admitting this thing, and I can't even tell if it's because it's good to talk about, to talk through with someone who has a useful perspective on things, or if it's because I want to look sensitive and interesting and attractive. Or both.

To my credit, I haven't broached the subject with any of them; to some extent, I'm afraid to try to sleep with a friend now, because it will mean that it's not really friendship, that everything up to that point is invalidated by ulterior motives. How do I get out of this mental trap? How did I in March? Did I actually subconsciouly only allow myself to ask out a girl I already knew I had trouble communicating with? (making the promise "as long as we talk about everything, it will be good, right?")


Aug. 26th, 2002 04:46 am (UTC)
gah, if expressing interest in someone invalidates the friendship then like HALF of my friendships are invalid. I really don't like that idea, so I internally balk at it. It often seems like I don't have the sustained energy to get to know someone unless I have at least some attraction to them. A good portion of my friends seem to be exes or people I slept with because those are the people I thought were cool and got to know a little better. The feedback of attraction and thinking someone is cool as a friend to hang out with is so convoluted that it's nearly impossible to tell which came first. And, besides, don't you want your SO to be a friend? If you didn't do the getting to know them with the hope that they might be your SO someday then they would have to become your SO in some way that meant you were not friends first... like asking them out cold before you knew them and going on a series of dates and getting to know them that way. Which I suppose *can* lead to friendship, eventually, but I really think it is better to go for pure friendship first, even if it has "ulterior" motives... the sex/relationship aspect of it WILL affect it less when it is a background process as opposed to when you are "dating" and it is the primary process.


just a guy made of dots and lines

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