just a guy made of dots and lines (crs) wrote,
just a guy made of dots and lines

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Thinking about that fortune cookie post... It made me realize. I probably don't have much of a reputation for being forward at all. Because I'm not. I'm downright timid. And I'm floating on the edge of friendship with a few different attractive girls, all of whom I can speak my mind to, mostly. I will occasionally mention to them how I've become disturbed recently that all my interactions lately feel like they've got one goal, to try to find a relationship, an SO, some kind of sexy connection thing.

It's a paradoxical admission, isn't it? I'm sitting there admitting this thing, and I can't even tell if it's because it's good to talk about, to talk through with someone who has a useful perspective on things, or if it's because I want to look sensitive and interesting and attractive. Or both.

To my credit, I haven't broached the subject with any of them; to some extent, I'm afraid to try to sleep with a friend now, because it will mean that it's not really friendship, that everything up to that point is invalidated by ulterior motives. How do I get out of this mental trap? How did I in March? Did I actually subconsciouly only allow myself to ask out a girl I already knew I had trouble communicating with? (making the promise "as long as we talk about everything, it will be good, right?")

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    I might start poking my head in over at Dreamwidth. Same name.

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