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don't wanna.

I think I'm addicted to caffeine. Or at least, need it badly when I haven't gotten enough sleep. I am in this funk. No, I'm am getting out of this funk, where I was pretty completely lost to myself, thinking of everything really negatively. No, I was just kind of...

Was I being rational? It felt like it. I was analyzing why I feel down lately; why I can't seem to get happy about what I have. I watched couples walking on the street as I drove past and felt a need for some hope. No, not even that. I do believe that I'm going to be all right in the long run (or is that the caffeine kicking in - did I feel that way an hour ago? I Think I did...)

Here I am at work on a Sunday... I don't want to be here, I stopped at the comic book shop on the way in to get a hold of my subscriptions, stopped at a friend's house to hang out and chat (that was an excellent bit of morning, btw, ringrose), and just dawdled as much as possible before getting here. I was drowsy coming in (caffeine is helping that), I wanted to play Eternal Darkness, and I wanted some quality time with some comic books. Instead I'm here... writing LJ before I get cracking on the code :)

Oh, and reading some of the books.

Man, that was a depressing issue of The Ultimates I just finished. Feels a little like some of what I went through recently, taken to extremes. One of the main guys blew up at his wife, and at the heart of his anger was the phrase "You shouldn't have made me look small"... I feel small. I blew up at B a couple of times because of this, because, independent of everything else, I still feel small.

It's about feeling good about accomplishments, and having someone to share those with. That's the key to my future. I'm starting to feel ok about my body and things like that, and I'm realizing that really the important bit is to feel competent, to get the opportunity to feel smart again as much as possible. The puzzle thing was good for that, but...

I think what I need in an SO right now is someone who can provide and respond to straight lines with equal facility, and enjoys that kind of repartee... or something like that. On the other hand, "that kind of repartee" is often content-free, so that would have to be a sometimes kind of thing, or something that is easily shifted into and back out of when the opportunity arises. (" but back to what we were talking about...")

Or is that the (I suspect) ADD-inflicted part of me talking? ;)

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just a guy made of dots and lines
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