So I went to a party this evening... And I've come to the determination that I really don't know how to have fun at parties. At least not when I'm in this state of mind. I spent the whole time feeling lonely, wondering why I couldn't hold up a conversation, hold anyone's attention more than 30 seconds... Why I kept on ending up in the corner away from the rest.
Is it body language? Do I have an air of desperation? Do I not have anything interesting to say?
I started to get into the pool thing a little, but I really didn't know what I was doing, and I ended up offending one of my closest friends, and it just ended up as a wash.
So now I sit here outside the karaoke place waiting for the rest of the group to arrive, for the second half of my evening. Or second third, as the case may be, if I feel awake enough for yet another party after we're done here. Maybe I'll drink at that one, see what losing inhibitions does to me. But thinking about my life lately, I realize that I really do have very little interesting to talk about.
No, that's not true. I wonder if anyone at the pool party would have been happy to hear tales of GenCon, though. I'm guessing no. But it would have been worth a try, I suppose.
I was surrounded by the cute girls I've been talking to online, and feeling none of the ability to talk that I've had online all week. I feel like I undid any touch of charm I worked on them during the week, like I'm suddenly exposed as the asocial freak that I really am.
I need to ask someone about my mannerisms; people really seemed uncomfortable around me. Maybe I was projecting.