I've been ignoring my friends too long. Been on edge for a long time. Walking on eggshells for so long is no good. I need to recenter myself. I need another GenCon. :)
Ok, maybe not.
I had a rough evening, full of old feelings. Jealousy, grumpiness, guilt for having those feelings... And I tried one thing that was brief and not that useful for curing the mood. Did meet some new people, at least. But after that I did an errand near Davis Square, and stopped and thought for a minute. Who can I call on a moment's notice and see if there's anything up, and hang out with?
Only one person came to mind. And she was home. And there for me. It was quite a nice evening.
It got my thoughts off my problems, if only temporary. And for that, I'm grateful.
I made some stupid moves earlier this evening, while I was feeling down... I'm afraid I may have dented a different friendship. I'm at a point now where I'm really flailing around pretty badly. Trying to probe friendships to see if they can become more, sometimes doing almost destructive testing on them. The only thing that can get me to stop is testing to rejection; thankfully I'm solidly in that boat in a couple of places now... So I still have some friends.
My housemates seem pretty useless for support in a time like this. Some of the other friends I have were like that too... I'm feeling kind of isolated in the midst of this, because I've been falling off the planet for the last six months in their eyes. I've never been comfortable talking like this with those guys anyway. I have a few friends I can talk about this stuff to. I'm so bad.
I don't know. Now I've distinctly gone into stream of consciousness mode. I should stop...