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thoughts, not necessarily in that order

This breakup thing may have worked out for the best after all. I seem to have gotten a friend back. We had a good talk after the run tonight, where I talked about things pretty well, better than I have in a while. Or something.

I talked about how I realized ...

How the sex thing seems to have taken front stage in my life... As I talked about it I realized just how true it was. I've become addicted to girls' acceptance, to their approval. I look at so many different things in my life and realize how they're all borrowed, mirror images of things my friends enjoy, or potential girlfriends.

I talked about how I wasn't sure I had anything that was really my own. That forever I've been just ... what is it, autopilot? I need to find me, find a me.

Gaming. Social time, a chance to prove myself clever, a chance to "win" something. Also, a chance to show myself inept in various ways. But... do I enjoy the game? I "should". I like it when I'm able to roleplay well. I like it when I can move the figurines around on the board to good effect in the mechanical portion of the game. But is that what I'm supposed to like?

That was another thing. "supposed to" and "should" take up too much space in my life. This came up in a discussion about what I should be in the face of another situation... But it holds for pretty much everything.

I'm just not my own person, it's that simple. It's all about how I impact other people. I don't enjoy things on my own; I enjoy them from other people's reactions... Watching the Super Bowl was great in a room full of people hoping against hope that the Pats would come out on top. I like to watch movies with people who enjoy the kind of movie I'm at. It's rare that I go to a movie alone, and even then I try to get someone to come back and see it with me.

The Iron Giant, So I Married An Axe Murderer... Those are movies I can remember seeing alone and loving. I cried during Iron Giant.

What is mine? Who am I?

Watching baseball is about the people I'm watching with, about being part of that fan base.

Playing games is ... possibly something that's just mine; I felt like I was doing it despite the relationship (and was surprised when she took an interest in it), not to advance it.

I should take the time and money to set up a figurine painting place again, like I used to have at Unseen. That was for me, I'm pretty sure. Unless it was to try to impress R.

Anime. That's mine. I still love The Slayers, Kimagure Orange Road... Some anime I watch for other people... But anything with that whole "unrequited love" plot going all the way through has me, hook, line, and sinker.

Bowling. That's mine, too. I don't do that nearly often enough. It was something I was kinda decent at, and enjoyed. I could also use this to meet new people. Not that I don't already feel pulled in a million directions.

Cooking. That's something I truly enjoy. Need to do that more, too. Maybe I can complain about our kitchen some and get people to clean up after themselves a bit better.

Video games. I'm not sure. Do I really enjoy Warcraft III for anything beyond the art of it? The balancing game that it involves is hard. Not sure; is anything that's hard inherently not fun for me these days?

DDR - a way to exercise, a way to lose weight, a way to get closer to girls I know. But last time I DDRed with B, I got annoyed with her that she tired herself out with the DDR, leaving no energy for her time with me alone later in the evening. I'm annoyed with myself for having felt that way now. Like the DDR was a waste of time, and I was just biding the time for the "real" part of the evening. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But back to the topic at hand... I do like DDR, for short bursts. I wish my setup here at the new place didn't suck so badly. I really do need to get into the habit more, and try to use it as an exercise source.

The Gym. That was for me, in theory. Though it was nice to go with people. I need to rejoin, or get them to uncancel me, or something. Need to get back into the habit. It's been two weeks (one of which I spent out of town, so...)

Driving. I love driving my car. Maybe I should pursue rally more vigorously. Make time for that... City driving, road trips... Car camping. I need to make time for car camping vacations. Maybe Indianapolis GenCon next year can be a two day road trip each direction... Get a tent, find some KOAs... That wouldn't suck.

Programming. I still wish I had time to do coding in my spare time. I tell myself "if I had a better desktop system" or "if I had a Palm" but... I am afraid it's just an excuse to buy a new toy. I really really want to be a real programmer though, a real freeware guy. That was my childhood dream, believe it or not. RPG utilities.

Work. Work is going to be tough, too. This weekend I need to spend a lot of time in the office; my part of the project could easily slip out of this next beta if I'm not careful. I really really need to come through on this; I want to impress at work, and I'm just sucking this summer.

I need to figure out things to cut out of my schedule. I somehow keep myself infinitely busy these days, and there's no time in there for me to figure out what is for me. No cooking time. No time for me. Of course I have no idea who I am; I'm too busy being everything to everyone else.

By the way, the NOAA has issued a "Rebound Watch" in Chris County, effective until the end of August. Keep watching this space to see if it gets upgraded to a Warning or is withdrawn...

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
intuition_ist
Aug. 16th, 2002 07:24 am (UTC)
i know at least a little of how you feel... i've been wrestling with similar problems for the past few months. haven't found any good answers yet.
baronet
Aug. 16th, 2002 11:26 am (UTC)
I'd be interested in car camping with you sometime. What's NOAA stand for? You have to be careful with those sudden whirlwind relationships. They can sweep you off your feet and leave you smashed into the ground.
crs
Aug. 16th, 2002 11:29 am (UTC)
Cool...
Now to get a destination. Want to go to Gen Con next year, the long way? :)

The NOAA is the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration - they do the weather.
chaiya
Aug. 19th, 2002 10:10 am (UTC)
Of course I have no idea who I am; I'm too busy being everything to everyone else.

That sounds familiar. I have sometimes been caught up in a flurry of trying to figure out how to "save" someone or be something integral to their lives. Keep an eye on that tendency ...

*hugs*, btw.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )