just a guy made of dots and lines (crs) wrote,
just a guy made of dots and lines
crs

  • Mood:

no audience

So I've isolated myself here in my room, trying to get some packing done. I need to clean up this place so that when the movers come Thursday they can just take the big stuff and the rest will be in boxes. Frightening.

But that's not what this is about. It's about how packing's not happening. I just finished reading the incredible Gaiman novel, American Gods, and it kind of has me in this odd frame of mind.

I'm sitting here feeling powerless. I've isolated myself, zephyr is mostly quiet, the house is being quiet as people are downstairs watching TV or whatever it is they do when they're not packing their rooms... And I have no audience. It's like, if no one is looking at me, am I really here?

Good thing for LiveJournal.

Make me wonder how much of this factors into others' lives... Obviously it must be variable, since there are hermits and the like out there (or so we believe; after all, is it even possible for us to have heard the true tale of a successful hermit?)



It occurs to me that up through high school, my parents filled that role. They came from on high, provided punishment where I slacked off, encouragement when I did good, and the world was a predictable place. I went off to college, though, and then none of that was there. I could slack off with minimal immediate consequences (though the long-term effects were still felt, keenly). I wonder what it was I was looking for in friends, in the way I interacted with people; I look back on it and I think all I've ever wanted was an audience.

How does that factor into how I interact with people today? I think I'm a little better about this, but... I get antsy when things are happening that don't center on me for too long; I can't sit in a meeting and just listen at work, at least not without making the occasional attempt at contributing, even if I have nothing serious to say. Conversations with friends don't work so well if I'm not an active participant. Am I self-centered? How do I stop being so? Have I already started getting better? What was it I used to be?

Interesting line of thoughts. I need to work on just listening to things, and picking up information, rather than listening with the intent of proving that I'm listening. I always thought those people who listened and just said "uh huh. yup. right." were pretending to listen, just sitting back and going on autopilot. But now I wonder if they're actually hearing more of what's being said than me, when I say what I think are intelligent, responsive things to what's being said.

Just some thoughts on my way to trying to be a better person.
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