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used to be...

So I just saw A Beautiful Mind, finally. Wow.

I used to be one of those. An intellectual, I was going to do great works. No, actually (and here's where my problem definitely was), I was going to do the greatest works. That's where I went wrong; bad motivations, bad expectations, and easy discouragement from inevitable disappointment. I set myself up for this fall, and here I am now, a mediocre computer programmer getting by with mediocre social skills and a short attention span.

Should I look into what grad schools are like? Or undergrad refresher things, do those exist? I was starting to think I would be looking into GREs tomorrow morning, but... I'm not so sure now, suddenly it feels big and daunting again, a huge chunk of work with little to no payoff. The "little to no payoff" is that ego thing, again, my realization that I would not be the best, in fact, I would be struggling for a long time to catch up. The thought hurts, somehow, but... maybe I could overcome it.

I also used to be more patient. I was a patient driver, and right now, driving is where my impatience shows itself most often. I yell at other cars for no good reason, sometimes screwing up by cutting someone off or failing to yield right, and it sucks. I need to slow down, at least there, and maybe it will have a positive impact on the rest of my life. If I can just slow down a little, maybe I can make one step back towards the old, better, more positive me.

That me wasn't as greedy, either. I don't want to get out of industry, I need my cushy apartment and nice stuff and impulse spending. Except I think that I know that would be best for me, somehow. Maybe the ascetics had it right, I could give up 90% of my stuff and still be happy. Or it could make me a happier person. I wonder.

Of course, I still think it was a good idea buying a hamper tonight at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I hope this will change my laundry habits forever (after a huge cleanup effort to come tomorrow, I currently plan).

What to do, what to do... 29 approaches rapidly, and today's weather and tonight's movie have somehow left me rejuvenated. And, to a large extent, exhausted. I wonder what I will feel like in the morning.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Mar. 10th, 2002 08:22 pm (UTC)
I have to disagree with your professional self-assessment. I think that the only way that you can call yourself medicore is by comparing yourself to the ideal that the giants around you would like themselves to be. I think you compare reasonably well with the actual productivity of the people at work, as compared with the amount of productivity that we would like ourselves to have. I have worked with "the regular guys" out in the wide wide world, and you are head and shoulders and chest and waist and knees above them. I enjoy designing code with you, and the code we designed is good solid code that we implemented with fewer gotcha's than any other subsystem in the code base.

I understand wanting to be better. I want to be better too. I wish that I was as patient and had as much equinimity as I did when I was 18. But don't let your desire to improve blind you to the fact that you are already stellar.

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


just a guy made of dots and lines

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