Theory number 36 of what I want: someone I can talk to... the truth, the shame, the attraction, the fear, the maelstrom of what's going on in my mind. I could say "yeah, I'm jealous of that" or "I don't like that I feel this way, but I do."
I had one of those talks tonight. It was quite excellent. Awkward moments, but it all turned good, it turned to freedom.