April 4th, 2003

esteban

fingernails in floorboards

I'm so frightened of moving out of town. It'll be cutting off such a huge part of myself, to go back to that place where I was a frightened little child... To leave behind my countless friends and acquaintences, the social support structures that are in place here. The games. The hope.

It'll be desolate, it'll be a dry wasteland of people I can't relate to, people who joke about Iraqis changing light bulbs. I'm going to go there and be lonelier than I have been in eleven years, including the times I was so lonely I listened to one song on infinite repeat and cried myself to sleep. I'm going to go back after graduation, living alone in that apartment of my own, having my life crumble around me and no one to complain about it.

Alternatively it could be the exact opposite of that. I may hope to never find out.

Tonight there was an open house at InterSystems. It changed my whole outlook on this thing. This afternoon the job market was a desolate wasteland, and there was a beacon of hope in Minnesota, rising out of the mud to save me. Now there's a job that would be excellent for me, right here in town, at One Memorial Drive, no less. It's a better fit than ciber would be, and... well, they say they don't move very fast on job offers. I asked them to try to hurry, and I can try to delay these other guys, but... I don't know how this is going to work.

Do I have the guts to tell ciber "not now, maybe next time around"? They know I'm good, am I worth that much to them? How strong is my position here?
  • Current Mood
    scared scared
archer

(no subject)

It's been pointed out to me that "Iraqi light bulb joke" is probably a little over the top. Some of the coolest people I know around here are from Minnesota, and I need to stop and remember that. I was mostly just freaking out, and remembering that:

a) Rochester is probably the most conservative town in Minnesota, and
b) I'll probably be working with people generally older than me. Though thinking about it more, that assumption is probably extremely faulty.

Anyway, morning has come, and, as usual, with it comes a little calm. People did a very good job reminding me of some important considerations for this move, the realities that make it... a good adventure. They reminded me that I still have a safety net.

I know that I'm a lot better about keeping an apartment than I was just coming out of college. I know that I'm a lot better about ... a lot of things ... than I was then. This will be a chance to put all of that to the test. This "starting over" thing... it's like the big midterm exam in the class of life. It could be neat. And if I think about it as a test, maybe that'll help me ace it. *grin*
  • Current Mood
    calm calm
elan montage

running commentary

By the way, for anyone on Athena's Zephyr messaging system who doesn't already know, I sometimes comment on this stuff there, on -c crs (not following the standard of using my Athena username as the classname because I was overzealous for a bit in trying to ditch the nickname)...