August 18th, 2002

esteban

no good at parties

8/17/2002 9:06

So I went to a party this evening... And I've come to the determination that I really don't know how to have fun at parties. At least not when I'm in this state of mind. I spent the whole time feeling lonely, wondering why I couldn't hold up a conversation, hold anyone's attention more than 30 seconds... Why I kept on ending up in the corner away from the rest.

Is it body language? Do I have an air of desperation? Do I not have anything interesting to say?

I started to get into the pool thing a little, but I really didn't know what I was doing, and I ended up offending one of my closest friends, and it just ended up as a wash.

So now I sit here outside the karaoke place waiting for the rest of the group to arrive, for the second half of my evening. Or second third, as the case may be, if I feel awake enough for yet another party after we're done here. Maybe I'll drink at that one, see what losing inhibitions does to me. But thinking about my life lately, I realize that I really do have very little interesting to talk about.

No, that's not true. I wonder if anyone at the pool party would have been happy to hear tales of GenCon, though. I'm guessing no. But it would have been worth a try, I suppose.

I was surrounded by the cute girls I've been talking to online, and feeling none of the ability to talk that I've had online all week. I feel like I undid any touch of charm I worked on them during the week, like I'm suddenly exposed as the asocial freak that I really am.

I need to ask someone about my mannerisms; people really seemed uncomfortable around me. Maybe I was projecting.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent
highway

don't wanna.

I think I'm addicted to caffeine. Or at least, need it badly when I haven't gotten enough sleep. I am in this funk. No, I'm am getting out of this funk, where I was pretty completely lost to myself, thinking of everything really negatively. No, I was just kind of...

Was I being rational? It felt like it. I was analyzing why I feel down lately; why I can't seem to get happy about what I have. I watched couples walking on the street as I drove past and felt a need for some hope. No, not even that. I do believe that I'm going to be all right in the long run (or is that the caffeine kicking in - did I feel that way an hour ago? I Think I did...)

Here I am at work on a Sunday... I don't want to be here, I stopped at the comic book shop on the way in to get a hold of my subscriptions, stopped at a friend's house to hang out and chat (that was an excellent bit of morning, btw, ringrose), and just dawdled as much as possible before getting here. I was drowsy coming in (caffeine is helping that), I wanted to play Eternal Darkness, and I wanted some quality time with some comic books. Instead I'm here... writing LJ before I get cracking on the code :)

Oh, and reading some of the books.

Man, that was a depressing issue of The Ultimates I just finished. Feels a little like some of what I went through recently, taken to extremes. One of the main guys blew up at his wife, and at the heart of his anger was the phrase "You shouldn't have made me look small"... I feel small. I blew up at B a couple of times because of this, because, independent of everything else, I still feel small.

It's about feeling good about accomplishments, and having someone to share those with. That's the key to my future. I'm starting to feel ok about my body and things like that, and I'm realizing that really the important bit is to feel competent, to get the opportunity to feel smart again as much as possible. The puzzle thing was good for that, but...

I think what I need in an SO right now is someone who can provide and respond to straight lines with equal facility, and enjoys that kind of repartee... or something like that. On the other hand, "that kind of repartee" is often content-free, so that would have to be a sometimes kind of thing, or something that is easily shifted into and back out of when the opportunity arises. (" but back to what we were talking about...")

Or is that the (I suspect) ADD-inflicted part of me talking? ;)