June 25th, 2002

highway

my morning

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I find it kinda funny that I have trouble sleeping in on World Cup days, though. It really was nice to get in to work before 10am though. Wonderful, even. I gotta get dayshifted.

In other news I've been having deep thoughts on the relationship front. I was doing pretty well, had things well-in-hand, had wrapped my head around the idea of seeing someone who is free to see someone else... but I hadn't really thought about it from the other side, where I would also be free. Or even encouraged, as it were, to see someone else on the side.

And I went through a bunch of different thoughts. "having a hard time wrapping my brain around poly" ... "I don't even have enough time for her right now" ... "need to shake that feeling of 'poly is just an excuse for looking around for something better'" ... "unfair to the other person" (no, not if they know what's going on from the start) ... "all of these are issues i can consciously think through; it's the gut feeling that i need to work on" ... "clearly it would be a good way to make me more comfortable with her polyness ... but I had already accepted that" ... "some people are more time-intensive than others, this is what 'secondary' is about" ...

I actually talked about it on zsex... and I'm talking about it here. I hope this doesn't violate some principle of privacy, but we haven't really talked about it being an issue, and I know she knows I keep a livejournal, and has had the opportunity to ask me not to write about this here... So now I'm going to start being ok writing about it here in less than vague terms.

Someone brought up the possibility that she was asking me to do this "so I could gain experience" ... I hadn't thought of it in those terms until then but it does occur to me that that is a possibility; the other reasons I thought of were more ... benign, I guess, is the term ... than that, but in fact, I didn't really ask her why it would be "good for me."

I think I'm mostly better now, I've pushed down the "poly means looking around for a new, better relationship" insecurities, reasoned them out with the "no, that's not what it means"... talked it out with people, that always helps.

I had good flirting this weekend at a couple different parties, and it still felt awkward though at some level I knew it was supposed to be "allowed"... but now I find out that in fact, she was watching and kinda hoping for me to have fun, I guess, and that's kinda cool. I need to get that down to something I can be comfortable doing... Give this a real try in earnest, adapt and enjoy.
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