February 20th, 2002

elan montage


What happens when a chameleon tries to go plaid?

It's not a conscious effort, I just change to fit in with whoever I'm with. Last night, I hung out with two very different people, and I changed in between, pretty seriously. And then I hung out with both those people at the same time, and *creeeeak* it stretched me out... I said a lot of noncommital stuff, and really just kind of lost it.

And I realized that I'm nothing more than a liar... I try to maneuver myself, to be liked as much as possible by whoever I'm with. Except for a very few friends who get to see me surly and annoyed. Or everyone else when I get overloaded and lose it. I guess the people I like most are the ones I have to work least to adjust to, at least that's my current theory.

So where do I go from here? How do I stop adjusting to whoever I'm around?

Maybe the right answer is to find someone else who does that, and then just slide all across the landscape of personalities with her as we feedback off each other. I only know one such person, and I'm too late there :) I wonder if that would be healthy or wrong.

Nah, what I really need to do is, um, get a personality of my own. Is that why I want an SO? To just be able to settle on one single personality? Am I afraid of "locking myself down", becoming something only some people will like, and other people (*gasp*) won't like?

On the other hand, I don't even know where to begin... I'm reactive in conversations, reactive in pretty much any situation.

Also, the idea of settling into some set of opinions seems somehow wrong... Minds must be open for the truth to be found. Truth. Huh. Whatever.
  • Current Music
    "Skinner's Sense of Snow" on TV
elan montage


Time to settle down and think about more mundane aspects of life.

Like glasses. My glasses broke this weekend, and I called up Lens Crafters in Medford and made an appointment for an eye exam. Today, I stop by, and $250 and 1.5 hours later, I could see for miles and miles. Accompanied by the inevitable vague nausea of a new, differently asymmetrical prescription (1.25/1.0 diopters), I had a new clarity on everything. And my depth perception has a funky new feel to it. I love this feeling, actually. I really miss the days when I had perfect vision. Someday I may even splurge on that lasik thing...
  • Current Music
    Short Skirt/Long Jacket - Cake - Comfort Eagle