January 1st, 2002

elan montage

fast recovery?

I guess having some idea it's coming makes it easier to recover. Also, having three different parties to attend in one evening helps. And getting hugs here and there. And seeing people. And calling it a New Year. This is the first time I think it's really meant something to me, to have a New Year... Jim's Big Ego really had it right.

I'm really gonna need some resolutions, though. Coming soon.
  • Current Music
    Jim's Big Ego's New Years Song
elan montage

someone owes us three giant rectangular prisms

Oh yeah, that's right, I stayed up past 5 last night. No wonder I feel so dead on my feet right now. Well, dead sitting down, anyway. My room feels chillier than I generally expect it to be in the morning... I wonder if there's something wrong with the heat, or if it's just my metabolism.

I did go to three parties last night... and they were generally fun. There were the awkward moments, and the really nice moments, and the funny moments, and the morose retrospective moments. The way a New Year's Eve is supposed to be. And now here we are, sitting around 2002.

I saw most of the girls I wanted to see at the set of parties I went to, and that was good. :) I will definitely have to keep in touch, see what possibilities evolve there.

Resolution time. Yep, time to make things happen differently this year than last.

  1. Have a fling before my birthday. Just some wild thing happening for the fun of it where I get to be close to a girl and she gets to be close to me and we find out what each other is like. In bed, preferably.
  2. Get back my keyboard. Set it up somewhere. Start practicing, and I don't mean just playing back those 8 bars of the "Light My Fire" piano solo at the beginning. Get some piano books. Learn some pieces.
  3. Learn to speak Chinese. Learn to read Chinese. Visit Taiwan, see my grandparents. Talk to them.
  4. Kick ass and take names at work. Earn their respect and gratitude for having gotten things done.
  5. Take better care of my car. Get it washed, detailed professionally indoors, and soon. Get it inspected, get the burned-out bulbs replaced. Get those slow leaks patched, and stop hitting curbs while parallel parking. Drive patiently. Stop hurrying.
  6. Go to work without my car more often. The T is good, the T is great. Though so is being able to go home late enough that I don't want to deal with the walk, so it's a tradeoff.
  7. Get my Athena username changed to crs. Put that old name to rest for once and all. Start correcting people more consistently. Make it easier for people to deal with my stupid eccentricity.
  8. Listen more, talk less.

Hello, 2002. Be kind. Your predecessor left behind a mess from his party. Need a hand with the dishes?

  • Current Music
    "Soul Man," performed by The Blues Brothers
elan montage

what i may be doing wrong...

I am capable of being creepily passive-agressive at times... I think the way I make my first awkward attempts at closeness inspires girls to have this immediate reaction, sort of "Uh oh, he's approaching me that way. If I don't like him, it's not going to be easy to discourage him"... She thinks to herself "Now, there is an awkward moment in my future, when I will have to tell him in no uncertain terms, that I am not interested; until that time he will not get any hints, he will not back off, and there will always be that simplistic smile, where he doesn't get upset at the slight setbacks I will put in his path to try to hint that it leads to a dead end." I have this way of subconsciously trying to make saying "no" annoying enough that they'll end up saying yes once.

I need new mannerisms. New assertivity. New speech patterns. New power to express myself. 'Cause I'm not going to put anyone through that wringer again, I promise.

Gah, I can't even apologize for this tendency without making it worse. There's always that thought in the back of my head, "Make her like me, make her like me, make her like me." And it colors my perceptions of everything I say, if not hers.

I wonder if this feeling is more paranoia, or if it's insight.
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  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive