You start with a block of marble, and you chip away at it, breaking off everything that isn't part of the statue. If you're carving an elephant, chisel away at anything that isn't an elephant.
Well, in this brain of mine somewhere is the perfect me... Right now it's sharp-edged in very few places, though, and so far it's all rough. Every action I take is a hammer's blow to it, I think, and I risk ruining... whatever it is I want the outcome to be. Indecision paralyzes until a crisis strikes... and the shape of the crisis, not my will, determines the outcome of any situation. This is what comes from a lack of will, a lack of central theme to the sculpture. A frenetic, unpredictable mess will never have any aesthetic appeal.
The only thing I have going for me right now is the fact that, on a micro- scale, I try to do the right thing. I give people rides, I apologize for stepping on toes, I compliment people (though not nearly enough, still, for my taste). This makes people think I'm a good person, but all it means is I'm a good-intentioned person. To be a good person, I need to complete my... my self, really.
Consistency. Stability. These are at odds with the freedom I've always prized, freedom to go with the prevailing winds (from Vichy)... Turns out the prevailing winds are chaotic, Brownian eddies... and I end up staying in the same place.
Changing jobs was a big step for me, this summer. I took things into my own hands, I saw what I wanted for myself, and I went for it. I need to make a similar decision, soon, in other quarters of my life, and make it count. Get some guts, don't just walk away, and... be embiggened by the experience.