So I went and threw a monkey wrench in the good thing I had going, as I always do. Well, I saw things and decided it was enough to... I don't know, sabotage myself. Enough excuse to run.

The real problem here is, I don't know what I want. At different times I want different things, and that's just awkward. I need to settle down, figure it all out. I thought I could try things and figure it out from there, but if I don't figure it out, I'm not going to let myself get anywhere... I can see that now.

On the other hand, some of the things I said, I really meant to try to be helpful or good. Feh.

So here I am thinking about what I want... and I'm drawing a blank. I want someone to drool after me. I want to be the kind of competent that people say "oh, a question about that? Ask Chris"... I want to be the best at something, anything. Right now, for some reason, other things aren't seeming so important. It must be an odd perspective effect.