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i can't fight this feeling

(oogachocka ooga ooga oogachocka ooga ooga)

I'm starting to get the feeling I'm sabotaging myself with this journal. Any one of the possibilities I'm pursuing right now could read any of this and go "Wow." and run off.

Someone recognize me as a martyr! Revere my selfless baring of whatever it is I'm doing here and put my journal in the NY Times Best-seller list or something.

Geez. That's dumb. So I let things out. What's so honorable about that? I deserve what derision I get; certainly if I'm subconsciously doing it for praise. Praise for being honest about being unpraiseworthy. That's really quite funny, if only to me at this moment.

There's no graceful way to stop this. I could just up and delete the whole journal, I suppose, but then wouldn't that potentially be calculated for maximal effect? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about trying not to think about the issues here.

I should just go back to quoting movies and lyrics and synthesizing my self from pop culture. Well, underground pop culture, anyway. :)

Enh, I'm too tired to edit this down to not suck.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
hammercock
Jan. 6th, 2002 01:11 am (UTC)
Ugh, I am up WAY too late. Just one thing before I go to bed, though.

You sound to me like you're going through a lot of self-evaluation, resulting in some emotional turmoil. Emotional turmoil isn't fun, but it pretty much comes with the territory of digging deep into oneself. You just have to accept that some of what you unearth is going to be difficult to deal with and painful to confront, and that it's all worth it for the gems that you find every so often. Lots of people lead unexamined lives; I think that's kind of sad.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that your feelings are yours, you're entitled to them, you don't have to explain them to others if you don't want. Feelings just are. I'm also a strong believer in the idea that examining them before taking action is a Good Thing. Are you doing something because it's necessary for your well-being, or are you doing it to be a drama queen? (Generic "you" in this case.)

So yeah, I think letting things out is better than keeping things bottled up inside. Make use of the private feature if you have to get something out there without having people see the gory bits. In any case, eventually you may look back at what you've written and see how you've changed. But don't do it for others--do it for yourself.

You're a nice guy, Chris. I know Sheeri thinks very highly of you. You may be part of a freaky crowd, but trust me, from what I can see you're no more fucked up than the average person. :) Everyone's got some kind of neurosis, even the people who look like they're really together.
chaiya
Jan. 6th, 2002 09:07 am (UTC)
"I've forgotten what I started fighting for ..."
Okay, so that's not the song you started out with, but it's the song I heard in my head with that lyric. :)

What are you a martyr for? That's my first question.

I hope you don't read my tone as derisive, though -- I try not to be, and I certainly haven't intended derision in anything I've written to you. I DO think it's honorable to do the difficult thing and be honest (with yourself & the world) about your internal life and feelings. Don't close people off out of fear. Well, don't close people off out of nebulous fears. I try not to close people off at all, but I know that makes me vulnerable, and I'm currently getting burned because of it. I guess I see it as more necessary (for ME) to be vulerable because I like being open to others. I feel the openness gives me more than protecting myself would. I'm currently getting burned by someone who's protecting themselves (which is the reason *why* I'm getting burned, I think), and I still think that I have the right way of it. :) So I think what I'm saying is that you shouldn't give up for that reasoning.

Do what makes you happy, Chris. All I know is, I am much happier when I'm open and accessible to people than when I'm closed and protecting myself from them. I prefer being open to derision than being closed to affection.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )