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disappointment

The fair was okay. I hadn't thought that parking would be as annoying as it was, and I got to see many, um, odd things... It was the Fetish Flea Fair, or some such, and it was just kinda funny. And I, of course, got that "outsider" feeling, like I didn't have much reason to be looking at this stuff, since there was no one to, um, share the stuff with. I felt like anyone could detect my chronic singleness by just looking at me, and so I ended up just looking in lots of the shops from the outside.

I got to dress up a little though... Funky purple "universe" shirt with blue blazer, I stuck out like a sore thumb in that crowd. I think that worked well, at least. :) And I got to see a bunch of friends... And then it came time to go to the party. I got to do the martyr thing, waiting in line early for the shuttle to the auxiliary parking, getting my car, and getting everyone to their cars. I got some nice hugs for that but I can't help but think it was just the only way I could distinguish myself...

It wasn't so much a feeling of being rejected tonight, so much as just feeling like I was not "one of them"... At least, at the first party I went to it was very much like that; I didn't know how to interact with this kind of crowd. I think it was partially that I was awkward, to some extent it was that people knew I wasn't a person to casually hang out without creating links... So trying to fit in was hard, and I ended up being separate a lot.

Again, the stupid martyr thing kicked in... although it was fun, at least :) I made pasta out of the dough they had ready to be made into pasta. I gotta break out my pasta maker sometime and make my own homemade stuff. Though I don't know if it'll ever be so much fun making pasta again, I can hope. Sometimes I think maybe I should look into a career in cooking, if this computer stuff doesn't work out.

But anyway, I got to save the day and let the hostess try on some cool dresses that had been brought back from the fair... Lots of people trying on other people's clothes at that party. Mmm... Then dinner was served, and I gave people rides to the next party, back in Somerville.

At this point I was in kind of a down mood, having witness lots of people having more fun and play than I've ever seen, having had a couple of attempts at just minor skritches or backrubs rebuked... So I thought the next party would be a pickup, having been invited by Christy, she specifically asked me to be there.

So I get there, like three hours in, and no Christy. And a couple of justfriends were there, and it was just more grey clouds on my day, and I had a headache from the people smoking out in front of the fair waiting for the shuttle to aux parking, and I just couldn't get into it. Just not what I was expecting.

At this point I needed a pick-me-up... Eh, more later. It did turn out ok, just nowhere near as well as I would have liked. And some questions remain on my mind, like, do I really belong in that social circle? Probably not. I should mind my place, or something. Get to my proper niche.

And get a backrub. Professional Massage, or something. Just from the tension or whatever that is.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
chaiya
Jan. 27th, 2002 07:51 pm (UTC)
So I get there, like three hours in, and no Christy.

I'm so sorry, Chris. :( I was up in NH babysitting my little brother until 8 pm, and then I had to go pick up my friend Sean in order to get him to the party, too. So I got there *really* late, much later than even I expected to. I was lame. Forgive me? I was really glad to see you there. And sad you weren't at DVN tonight, btw.

do I really belong in that social circle? Probably not. I should mind my place, or something. Get to my proper niche.

Uh ... excuse me? WTF? Last time I checked, you were a geek. Now you're acting like a dork, too, thinking that you don't belong in this crowd. Hon, this is your home team! Just dive in and be friendly and you'll usually be fine. Your place is where you make it. That's how I've always seen it, and it's never failed me. True, I've had to persevere in my efforts to be known and accepted in some crowds, but I've always taken that as a time to make a judgement call on whether I *wanted* to really be a part of their group.

Is this your way of saying that you might not _want_ to belong in that social circle, or are you just scared that they're not all jumping up and down at you for being with them? 'Cause I'm overjoyed that you've started hanging out with some of my friends, but you've got to give them some time. Heck, they didn't jump up and down with joy when I joined them, even, and people tend to do that to blondes like me. *smirk*

And get a backrub. Professional Massage, or something. Just from the tension or whatever that is.

You didn't ask. You really should have. You still could, actually -- I have my own table and all. But if you don't let your desires be known, they've got a lot smaller probability of being met. I know of no one who can really read minds. I don't like it when people expect me to read theirs. So if you want something from me, you usually have to ask.

Unless it's your birthday or something. When is your birthday, btw?
crs
Jan. 27th, 2002 09:22 pm (UTC)
sorry...
1) I finally succumbed to the evil impulse, I used LiveJournal as a vessel for passive-aggressive bitching and moaning.

2) the social circle I was referring to wasn't actually the massage party... it was the first party. Looking back on it, though, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Social != um... social.

Should I start a rule that says "don't LJ when depressed?" I don't think so, it's kind of what LJ is supposed to be for, for me... But I need to be careful of things like this.

3) I was fine at the massage party, as fine as I ever am at a party... I was just down from the first party and was kind of hoping for a warm welcome there. :-/ Just bad timing...

4) I didn't feel like begging a massage down; there's an ego thing to attention as much as anything else, and after being snubbed a bunch at another party I reflexively turned really passive... And tired, too. And headachey. I randomly gave a couple of girls I already knew some minor backrub-like things, but no one "randomly"... well, no one randomly started talking to me, or approached me, or anything.

Part of me wants to be able to get attention without asking for it from time to time. If that's wrong, then sue me. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that I was in too grumpy a mood to seem approachable anyway, so it was one of those vicious circles. I just shouldn't have gone there that night; my tank of "social" was already empty.
chaiya
Jan. 27th, 2002 11:47 pm (UTC)
Re: sorry...
2) the social circle I was referring to wasn't actually the massage party... it was the first party.

I hear that first party was kinda not-fun, from multiple viewpoints. I hear it was rather ... embarassing, at times.

So long as you weren't talking about the massage party, I'm okay with it. I have less frame of reference for the other party, so that's as much as I'll say.

Part of me wants to be able to get attention without asking for it from time to time.

Well, you didn't ask for it, which was my point, but you still got attention from me at the massage party, and you get attention from me in general. I read your LJ whenever you post. Most of my non-multiple-recipient email in the past week has been to you. You're important to me, Chris. Do you need me to say it again for you?

YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.

I'll try to stop sounding so patronizing if you'll try to understand just how great you are. :)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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crs
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